Ok, I have been feeling desolate for these past few weeks. You know, the feeling that every mother experiences at various stages in her parenting journey; the constant thought that whatever little quirks our kid is doing right now, may stop anytime; that you never know when it might be the last time they might be doing it. Things like asking you to tuck them in (even though they are old enough to do it themselves), wanting to cuddle with you for no reason, making you turn towards their side and face them while sleeping or giving that customary hug or kiss as a routine thing.
All of these were some of the things my kid would do, always. And almost all of the times I would be more than willing to oblige as I loved it and looked forward to it; But sometimes, very rarely, while I was super busy with my deadlines at work or when I was bone tired or unwell, I had shrugged and obliged a bit unwillingly too. But as soon as I would be done with my work or feel a bit rested I would invariably feel guilty.
Those were the times I would remind myself that my kid would grow up pretty soon and will stop asking me to do these little things before I know it. And thanks to that nagging thought, it had made me parent a little more consciously. And this intentional parenting had helped me savour those ‘oh so precious’ moments a little more than I would otherwise have. But still, I have my share regrets and a humongous mom guilt to go with it. I guess no mother is spared of that awful mom guilt. I’m quite sure it’s an in-built manufacturing defect.
So, quite recently my kid suddenly stops doing some of the aforementioned things; he didn’t give me any heads-up, no tell- tale signs. None what-so-ever;
Just like that, one fine day, those things he had been doing all these years just stops. And I was left wondering…what just happened?
Hey, I’m not ready yet…
No. No no…you can’t do this to me.
I wanted to scream but only tears rolled down when I watched him go about his business as if nothing has changed. In that one day, the world that I knew with this sweet little kid changed.
Though I knew this would happen eventually but nothing could have prepared me for this. I didn’t know how to manage this phase and so even though I felt like a sentimental fool discussing this with my much grounded and very practical husband, he understood.
The sensible part of me knows quite well that it’s all part of growing up and I should be happy that he is becoming more independent and that’s a good thing.
But the mother in me still can’t come to terms with this. Just thinking and writing about it makes my eyes well-up, my heart ache and my throat hurts as I try to swallow the lump.
A shout out to all moms out there going through this heart-ache, at different stages, at different times; I know that feeling… We all do.
Loads of love moms!